My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
