And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
