your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"