The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?