I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
worst night to have a conscience
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
this hospital has no fireball
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
