stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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