Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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