a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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