If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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