The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
3 2 1 whiskey
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
