theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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