Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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