She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
