I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize