wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
