you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's never too late to be topless.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
