It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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