i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
