I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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