i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
