There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
