im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
