we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
