I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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