This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
