Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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