I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
