please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Quick, to the slutcave!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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