Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
