Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
