In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
