Umm I'm too high to move.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
