So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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