lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
