I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
