dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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