Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
