WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
