So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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