youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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