She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
