the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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