From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
