u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
