I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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