Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
