I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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