I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
