Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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