i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
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The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize