I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
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