Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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