During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
