meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
