It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife š¬
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
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