a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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