Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
