do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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