Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
